We all know this one friend. We love them so dearly, but they can't stop talking. While it's interesting to listen to the insights they offer, it can be tiring, as it feels like there is no space for us to express ourselves. At times, it seems that talking is way easier than listening. It is like a never-ending source and the direct translation of our thoughts.
However, there are differences in how we communicate, and I think the power of conscious listening can be a game-changer in an equal conversation. Conscious listening requires patience, compassion, awareness, and the ability to focus on the other person's story so they can benefit from it.
As we proceed through this article I will give you some tools to work with, so you can upgrade your listening and conversational skills and integrate them into your daily practice to enrich your life and those around you. I am grateful that you come on this journey with me, so let us begin.
The power of active listening
To listen fully, We need to be silent. Not only with our minds, but also in letting go of our own emotions. Silence creates space, space for others to be vulnerable. Space to be truly themselves, without the fear of being judged or misguided. Space is all around us, it is omnipresent, yet not visible to the naked eye. It is the silence in between words, in between sounds which brings forth creation, from moment to moment. Being silent means you have to be still inside yourself, to intake the information someone else has to offer. If a box is full of water, you can't put any more inside. So how do we empty our minds to create space for someone else? A good way to do so is by breathing and setting the intention to be fully present and to create a conscious mental space for the other person.
If you have a lot of thoughts in your mind, you can do some grounding exercises before a conversation, which can be as simple as becoming aware of your environment, the sounds, the smells, the taste etc.. Because this happens in real-time, it is the gateway to this moment.
Being an active listener In a conversation it is not only about the words someone shares, it is also in their body language, conveying the emotions they want to translate. You need to make a conscious effort to receive the complete message being communicated.
As we become aware of the other, we realise that perhaps they are taking us on a journey, where we are not the main character. So instead of being a guide, we have to follow the person on their journey and ask the right questions if necessary so that they can access a deeper layer of their perception. These questions are not judgemental or infused with your own opinion, they are neutral and supportive. Open-ended questions such as: How does this make you feel? What is the best way forward? What is the best way for me to help you? Help the other to venture further into their mind and understand deeper underlying truths. Active listening means to be in service of the other, we have to take the I, and our own opinions, out of it, so we can neutrally respond and reflect on the words of the person, who is leading the conversation.
Equally important though, is the ability to listen to nonverbal cues. Pay attention to what the other person is saying with their body language. How do they express themselves, what is their tone of voice and how do they feel speaking about these topics? Creating a good atmosphere for someone else is key, so they feel secure in your presence and can open up to you. By showing that we are attentive, looking into the eyes of the other and nodding, we're reaffirming that we are engaged in the conversation. This helps you stay on track with the conversations and shows the other person that you are interested in what they are saying. It is also a sign of respect and that you value the other person, which is incredibly important. Being valued gives us a sense that we have someone who cares about us, listens and accepts us for who we are.
How to become an active listener
The truth is, not all of us are naturally good listeners. This could be due to a number of reasons, from how we grew up to our personal communication styles. Many of us weren't taught how to listen actively. I can't recall having a subject or lessons in school about listening consciously or being mindful in a conversation. It felt like it was more about presenting ideas and not so much about getting the opportunity to summarise the received information, to ensure we understood it correctly.
That's why there are other approaches, like psychology, which focus on you as an individual, helping you learn how to listen effectively, retain information, and stay engaged with what the other person is saying. Active listening is a skill we need to master, and the best way to do that is through practice in every conversation.
Practice for yourself
You can practice with a friend, partner or family member and ask them to share a meaningful experience. Your role is to be attentive and stay focused on the story they are sharing.
Listen with an open mind and try to focus on 2 things, the content of the conversation and the feeling or attitude underlying the message. An active listener pays close attention to what someone says and how they say it, including their gestures and facial expressions (nonverbal cues).
During pauses, give them space to breathe and gather their thoughts, be patient and allow them to continue. Remember, space is good, we don’t need to fill it with thoughts, but rather allow opportunities for deeper reflection. Respond to the feeling, expressing compassion so they feel understood. Be genuine and honest and show that you truly care about the other, don't dismiss or challenge their beliefs, and remember you are here to support them on their journey. It is useful to summarise what the other person is saying and ask open-ended questions (you will find examples in the last chapter).
Be a mirror. The clearer the mirror, the clearer the reflection.
Practice makes mastery, so doing this with your close ones daily has a profound impact on your life. Likewise, you can practice listening to your own inner voice and emotions, distancing yourself from them to resist self-judgment. A key element here is journaling, (a whole category in itself!) a tool to be objective of your thoughts, release emotions and to reflect on them from a higher perspective. From this distance, you can see the patterns of your life/feelings/emotions more clearly.
While journaling is one of the most worthwhile practices you can develop, I highly recommend speaking with someone, whether a close friend or professional, about your inner world, worries, experiences, hopes and fears. We are not alone in our sufferings and we all have more in common than the things that separate us, so being honest and vulnerable opens the door for deep healing. It is beautiful to see that many people can relate to what you say in their own way and who knows, you might support others on their healing journey.
5 Skills to level up your active listening
Self-monitor yourself for Judgement: make sure to stay objective throughout the conversation to show that you are here to help. Judgement may lead to labelling or criticising and countering the efforts of being open and receptive to the messages conveyed.
Listening for non-verbal cues: Maintain eye contact and show that you care about the other and what is said. Listening to the variations in their voice like the changes in pitch, emphasis of words, changes in the speed and underlying tone.
Become aware of the body language, like postures, gestures and even changes in breathing. By doing so, we can sense how the other person is feeling.
Summarise what is said: Summarising can help you avoid misunderstandings, clarify information, and build rapport with the speaker. By summarising what the speaker has said, you can confirm that you have received correctly their message and avoid any misinterpretations. You also showed that you were attentive and valued the other participants.
Apply compassion: Being an active listener means showing empathy during conversations. This involves truly feeling what the other person is going through, understanding them, and validating their emotions. By doing so, you create a safe space where they feel heard and comfortable enough to be vulnerable.
Be supportive in the conversation: Show genuine interest in what the speaker is saying. Offer ideas and suggestions, and follow up on their statements. This not only clarifies the conversation but also encourages them to continue speaking and explore their thoughts further.
Why is active listening so important?
We all want to be heard and understood, yet It can be hard to open up in front of others. Being vulnerable in a conversation requires strength and to drop our armour. This can be challenging, because of our fear of being judged and the concern that our feelings might not be understood.
So the first step is to drop labels and realise that fear is mostly nothing else than hot air. They are a creation of our subconscious mind, based on intellectualised beliefs.
They simply indicate the edge of our comfort zone, so we need to be brave and open ourselves up to an honest conversation, where both people can be vulnerable and compassionate for each other. Truly listening is essential for bringing love into our lives and the world. It’s important to engage in conversations with others in a way that acknowledges and validates what they’re saying.
The more we listen in this way, the greater the love, respect, and compassion we feel for one another.
At times, we can be so entangled in our daily lives that we forget to pause and focus our entire attention on this moment and the world around us. There is magic in the moment as it opens up a whole world of possibilities, and creates space for growth and healing.
Active listening is a mindful skill that helps build healthy relationships with friends or partners. While it's easy to express your thoughts, active listening requires patience, staying focused on what the other person is saying, and encouraging them to share without interrupting or letting your mind wander. This gives others room to express themselves freely, and to find their truth within.
Imagine your partner is telling you about a stressful day at work. Instead of jumping in with your own thoughts or advice, you stay quiet, make eye contact, and listen. After they finish, you might say:
“It sounds like today was really tough. What do you think made it so overwhelming?”
This shows you're fully present, giving them space to share more, and it deepens the conversation without shifting the focus to your thoughts.
Active listening certainly helps you to be more in tune with your environment and in the best service for others. It is a skill that needs to be honed and practised, so we get better at it. We all want to be heard and understood. By practising active listening, we can also engage better with others and transmit information more clearly. This makes us not only a better listener but a better communicator, which will benefit all the relationships we foster.
I hope this article benefits you and supports you on your healing journey.
Remember, we are never alone in our suffering. There are always people who are happy to listen to you, support you, and relate to your story in their individual way. There is so much we can learn from each other in an honest conversation.
With love & gratitude
Yannik (Co Creators)
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